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The Crappest CrApple App – Podcasts!

Kobestarr — Wed, 30 Jan 2013 15:17:52 +0000

My last post here was about the CrApple Maps App that they forced everyone to use until Google saw fit to take pity on us and let us have their full featured app. I was never that bothered about the Maps app. OK things looked a bit hilarious time to time, but it still got you there. Mainly. Unless you randomly end up in the desert in Australia, which did actually happen a few times. The problem is, that you must be stupid if you end up in a desert instead of 29 Acacia Rd (Bananaman’s address). The three main giveaways would be:

a) Lack of houses

b) Lots of sand

c) No Bananaman

Despite it’s obvious flaws it really wasn’t the worst app that Apple had made. That honour belongs to the “Podcasts” app.

Crapple Reel 2 Reel

What follows will be a personal tirade based on the fact that this is the app I use the most. Every day for at least an hour. I love listening to podcasts so much so that I’m starting to realise my obsession is a little weird. Listening to a podcast has been by main reason for going for long runs or bike rides. I wake up on Saturday mornings thinking “Goodie – I can listen to The Kermode and Mayo and Empire Podcasts, I should cycle up a mountain”.

I should preface the onslaught be saying that am an Apple convert. I used to be anti Apple but now I am pro-Apple. Apart from this app, which is THE WORST APP EVER MADE!! It currently languishes with only 1.5 stars in the App Store, but it should be lower. The following quote is typical of many customer review comments for the App on iTunes.

**“horrible (1*)**

by bigballer12321

would give 0 stars if possibly. horrible in every way. oh, and this app cost me $40 in overage uses on my data plan. auto download decided it would be fun to download 1,000 old podcasts of each subscription i had. thanks for destroying my data plan with podcasts from 2010.”

Thanks “bigballer12321″ – ( I really hope that it is an NBA star like Michael Jordan) for your unkind words! In fact one of my favourite things to do when i’m bored is to scroll through all of the recent comments about the app on iTunes. I is a great way to get over the post lunch lull. Here’s another!

“Is this made by apple? (1*)

by Shoes_like_a_noose

Unusable.

I heard bossy man was firing people over the maps debacle…if so, what’s gonna happen to the podcasts mgmt team? Lava? Tornadoes? XP?”

Succinct and threatening in an “Old Testament” kinda way!

OK – but what is actually wrong with the Podcasts App? Well this is where I get a bit “listy”! (based on latest version 1.1.2 – with bug fixes…)

1) First thing is that App exists in the first place. We used to be able to listen to podcasts from within the music player on your iPhone. It wasn’t perfect but it more than did the job. Any changes should just have been to the functionality within the music player. WHY DOES IT NEED TO BE ANOTHER APP?!?!

2) As “baller12321″ said earlier that it seems to download apps at a time convenient to itself costing him and many other a lot of money as a result of using up their dataplan memory

3) It freezes up all the time. This is what other reviewer had to say: “When the app finally does load, it is totally unresponsive. I press on “unplayed episodes,” and nothing happens. I press it again, and again, and again, and again. I press it 10 times and get no response. I try to scroll and the app is stuck.”

4) It is mind numbingly slow. Which, when coupled with point 3, is irritating beyond belief. You never know if it’s freezing up or just being slow at that instance. You think it has frozen so you press to leave the app and just as you hit the home button it comes to life, “surprise!”, it says very, very camply. Too late – you have left the app. Now the game cycle begins again.

5) Quite often, when you ask it to download a specific podcast it visibly thinks about it for a while before sputtering to a stop. Like an 80′s Ford Escort in winter.

6) What if I want to scrub forwards or backwards? Well if you look at the image above on the lovely Reel to Reel tape player (actually – it’s not lovely, it makes no fucking sense mp3′s helped to kill tape!!) view that comes up when a podcast is playing. You see that thin red strip? No? Have another look…you got it? Yeah THAT is what you are supposed to use to scroll back and forth. Can someone please tell crApple developers that the “The Thin Red Line” is a Terence Malick film about World War II, not a convenient way to navigate audio in a small screen. It’s easy to see how they got confused!

7) It kinda looks pretty but the user interface on all pages is a complete nightmare. This used to be Apple’s strong point but it seems to have been devised to follow the thought patterns of lobotomised earthworms

8) I’m trying right now to get it to find a podcast that I know is there as I want to listen to again. It won’t let me. CrApple says no…

9) Why isnt there a settings button?

10) Couldn’t there be three lines of descriptive text for each podcast. Or at least do a slow scroll? I am fed up with seeing these kind of lines when trying to determine whether I have already listened to it or not

Kermode: Octoberfest from …
#42: Dec 21, 2012 – Christop…
Rhod: What’s your Heston Bl…
Podcast: A review of the big…

A review of the big what? A REVIEW OF THE BIG WHAT?!?!?!?

11) To go to your downloaded podcasts you have to go to “library” but you have to go to “catalog” which is confusing. Like “Saruman” and “Sauron”.

12) Incompatible with external controls such as your car or docking station

13) The player likes to forget where it was when I left it.

14) Why if I want to skip through an episode do i get the option to skip back 10 seconds and forward 30 seconds (see first picture) from within the app but 15 seconds back and 15 seconds from the home screen (see second picture)?!? Firstly this is stupidly inconsistent and secondly 10 or 15 seconds is a measly amount of skipping time

15) And finally, but I must admit this is not my gripe as I don’t make playlists, but there is no ability to make playlists. The loss of this feature seems to annoy a lot of people!

As an Apple Born Again fanboy I see it from both sides. I used to think that Apple Stuff was all “Style over substance”. Once I went Apple I quickly realised that it did have substance to back up the style. This is until this the “Podcasts “app, where there is no style or no substance!

I am waiting and hoping that the next update will be a game changer, otherwise i’ll declare myself out! I’ll leave it to R.o.b.7.7.9.5 to close out…

“Horrible

by R.o.b.7.7.9.5

Horrible, unorganized, slow. Used to use podcast everyday but this new app is so unorganized have to search to download new podcasts you already have. No quick find like the old one. From a company with such high standards this is garbage.”

Apple have hustled Google!…

Kobestarr — Thu, 24 Jan 2013 19:56:19 +0000

… am I the only one that thinks this??

After the release/relaunch/reboot of Google’s Map app for the iOS platform it shot to the top of Apples App Store charts with over 10million downloads in the first 48hrs just over a month ago. ”Yay! Now we can get home in time for Blue Peter!”, no one says. Critics are lauding the app, young lovers are getting to 1st dates on time and, sadly, the we now have a drought of the silly pictures of the images that Apple maps used to produce.

Sale United Football Club – Kobestarr.com

Everyone sees this as one massive Google point against Apple Inc… but does no one else see what Apple have done here?

Apple were clearly unhappy about the amount of piss that Google were taking with the iOS users, of which i am one. This is despite the fact that most people really, didn’t, care. We weren’t fussed about the lack of turn by turn navigation, because…well it still got us there.

So Aunty Apple gets in a huff and declared “F. YOU Google!! We’re gonna make it on our own”. So off they went, but soon they realised that they had underestimated the effort it would take to make the app that they wanted. In a crisis meeting shortly before the 2012 keynote meeting the big bods at Apple decided the following.

“Lets make a map app that is 25% crap so that Google takes pity on us and makes the iOS version better.”

This tactic is employed by 12 year olds all over the world. “Yeah Mum I’ll do the washing”, the exclaim merrily, but secretly thinking, “and ill make sure to do them just craply enough that you decide that I am too inept and take over mother dear”.

And this is what Apple did! They convinced Google that they were “inept enough” that Google took pity on them. “Now now Apple – here’s how you make a mapping app” sighed Google , “now come here and give me a hug you silly sausage!”

Apple whole heatedly embraces Google and their map app, sniggering, they know they have won this battle! Surely you all see this?

Now the iOS people have the full power of the Google Maps there are less people to switch over to Android!

It’s genius! Well played Apple. Well hustled. Good skills!

Top 10(ish) films of 2012: Part 2

Kobestarr — Mon, 14 Jan 2013 14:32:00 +0000

Hey so in time honoured tradition I have to name my worst film of 2012 before revealing the second half of the best of list.

Worst Film of 2012: Savages -

In “Savages” director and part writer, Oliver Stone, takes a good basis for a story, throws in a few big names and manages to make it mind numbingly, spirit crushingly boooooring. Boring and pointless. At the start of the film there is a monologue of the main female protagonist ” Just because i’m telling you this story doesn,t mean that I’m alive at the end”. So it makes no sense right of the bat.

Savages – Kobestarr.com

It turns out that she is the center of a consensual love triangle with two other dudes, a war veteran hard-man and the intelligent weedy guy. Between the three of them they have the most envied cannabis business in California.

Both the relationship and the business make no sense as despite being attractive she is one of the most uninspiring screen presences in history! In the film she has nothing to offer the businesses or the relationship.

OK so that aside, the two guys want to get out of the drugs business as it’s a mugs game. Fair enough. When they are offered a way out, with a good amount of money, or get their heads blown off, they answer “No”. Why? WHY WHY WHY? You just said you wanted to leave and not get your heads blown off…

Then “vacuous girl” gets kidnapped…and they decide to save her … big sigh..

At one curious scene, which should never have happened, there is a heist. The army guy gets loads of his hardcore army sniper mates involved but makes the scaredy cat guy try and do some close range killing. Yeah, good one!

How anyone could make a film that stars Salma Hayek and Benicio Del Toro so futile is beyond me.

Ridiculous.

So – lets move on from the mini rant to Part 2 of the Best Films of 2012! Yay!

Life of Pi

- It’s still out now as I write this so go and see it! Go! NOW! “Life of Pi” tells the story of a Indian teenage boy, Pi, who ends up on a lifeboat accompanied by a tiger after the ship that he was traveling on sank together with his family.

Life of Pi – Kobestarr.com

Pi manages to survive not being eaten by the tiger, named ” Richard Parker”, and the floating in the middle of the ocean for over half a year. The story is simple, yet multi-layered so draws you in and keeps you enticed throughout. Visually “Life of Pi” is fantastic and I recommend seeing it on the largest screen you can, and in 3D. Serious.

There are some some outstanding heart in mouth moments – such as when the ship sinks and underwater scenes with sealide that serve to make the film completely absorbing and actually quite scary. I was suprised it was a PG. I have read the book, and cannot believe they turned into a film, and such an amazing film at that!

Seven Psychopaths

- I only saw “Seven Psychopaths” two weeks ago but it was released last year so i’m including it. So ner! The story – is a little bizarre, following the story of a Hollywood Screenwriter as he struggles to write his film so his “loser” friend sets him on the trail of investigating real life psychopaths.

Seven Psychopaths – Kobestarr.com

In Hollywood psychopaths have to kill people. So there are plenty of death scenes all done in the most hilarious and least tasteful way. In addition there is plenty of Christopher Walken, which is a great thing. You can never have too much Walken – just the way he walks in Seven Psychopaths makes you smile. I really feel that he was overlooked in the recent awards season.

Despite some of the gory content the script, written by UK/Irishman Martin McDonagh, Seven Psychopaths is one of the funniest films the year with witty dialogue and great set pieces. It will leave you laughing and smiling for weeks, despite the fact that everyone dies – sorry… plot spoiler but it doesn’t matter!.

Beasts of the Southern Wild

- There were so many things I loved about “Beasts”, the setting in a post Hurricane Katrinaesque lowland, the grainy “feel” of the images on the screen (shot on 16mm film), the main protagonists in 8yr old “Hush Puppy” and her dad “Wink” and the offbeat community that supports them.

Beasts of the Southern Wild – Kobestarr.com

The two points that I kept on coming back to whilst watching “Beasts” were – “how good is Quvenzhané Wallis?”, the girl that plays Hush Puppy and “How are they making this film?”. Both points were so startling to me that they actually “brought me out of the film” on occasion – something that normally is the worst response to a setting, scene or sequence in a movie.

Beasts follows Hush Puppy and Wink as they live under constant threat of environmental disaster (manifested by some giant pigs with horns …random) as well as eviction from their home from the authorities. In addition to this is the even more heartbreaking storyline of Hush Puppy wanting to find her mother whilst finding out that her father is sick.

Its an emotional film that could have you weeping and laughing. I generally don’t cry when watching films but Beasts is one of two films this year had me close to tears. The last two films to do this were the first 15 minutes of “UP” and the last 10 mins of “Toy Story 3″. Both of which are outstanding films and shows you how highly I regard Beasts of the Southern Wild. I was made up that the young Ms Wallace is nominated for a Best Actress Oscar, as the youngest ever nominee! I’m gonna lay some money her way!

The Raid

- I watched “The Raid” whilst eating my dinner. That was silly. I nearly coughed my food up on several occasions. As a martial artist you have to be a fan of martial arts films no matter the style. The problem is that the quality of martial arts films wanes and despite a huge variety ranging from the balletic and beautiful “Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon” and “Hero”, to the comic “Drunken Master”, the kitsch “Kickboxer” and “The Karate Kid” and ultra Classic “Enter The Dragon”, most martial arts flicks are just crap.

The Raid – Kobestarr.com

The Raid takes a few steps forward from where Jony Jaa left off in “Ong Bak” and “Tom Yum Goong” in terms of realistic fighting style. Never do you see four people fight one person but take it in turns like they have taken a “queue ticket” like at the delicatessen counter. Here they all fight at the same time and people from both sides get kicked, break bones and die in the most extraordinary way.

I have been slight obsessed about the way that The Raid was all brought together by Welsh director, Gareth Evans, who was filming a documentary in Indonesia and about martial arts, met an ace martial artist and said “I wanna make a film with you!”. But in a Welsh accent… It shows that inspiration can come from anywhere and in the most unexpected ways.

Chronicle

- The worst thing about Chronicle is that it came so early in the year. Whilst watching Chronicle I knew that it would be hard to knock it out of the top spot but I really didn’t think it would be at the top of the list at the end of the year! I loved this film and was literally on the edge of my seat at the end, true story!

Chronicle – Kobestarr.com

The story centres around the three high school friends that find a mysterious object in a random cave that causes them to black out, only to awaken with no recollection of what happened. Oh and superpowers! Whoop! This ain’t no ordinary superhero film, this is an M&S superhero film. Sorry no it’s not! The superpowers are merely the MacGuffin that drives the relationship of the three boys, who wouldn’t really be hanging out with each other if they didn’t have such a tying bond in common.

Fans of Spiderman know that “With great power comes great responsibility”. Not, however, when you are in high school. With great power comes a lot of opportunity for dicking about. Chronicle really struck a chord with me, thinking about the nob head things I would have done with my mates at school if we had super powers. It is this relationship rather than their mega skills that will bring me back to watching it again and again. Beware – you will be in for a bumpy ride. Chronicle gets really dark!

Top 10(ish) films of 2012: Part 1

Kobestarr — Fri, 11 Jan 2013 08:02:42 +0000

Hello Everybody and welcome to a new year and a new layout here at kobestarr.com!

Its the start of a new year and this traditionally means that all of us in Kobestarr Towers have stuck our heads together to come up with a list of the best films of 2012. So that is what we have done! YAY!

This year has been a huge one in terms of cinema going and films and has been genuinely difficult to come up with a Top 10. There are a few omissions from the list and I do aim to get those mopped up in the coming months via dvd or Netflix etc. Please leave a comment and let me know what you think!

“The Dark Knight Skyfalls onto The Avengers” (TDKSOTA). My film preference tends to shy away from the Ultra Blockbusters, believing the majority to lack the story, characters and empathy required to want you to watch the films again. 2012 went way against the grain with “The Avengers”, “Skyfall” and “The Dark Knight Rises”. I’ve had many sleepless “Dark knights” (geddit?) about whether which one of these films to include in this list as they are all great in their own way so I succumbed to a threeway tie “ohh’err” at number 10. They are the top 3 highest grossing films in the UK in 2012 (Skyfall is 1st followed by TDKR and then The Avengers) so you dont need me to big them up, you have seen them already!

Skyfall making on here is a big surprise to me. I have NEVER seen a Bond film in the cinema until Skyfall, and it was touch and go that I did. I simply not a Bond fan. All bond films meld into one mess of indistinguishable, nonsensical, ridiculousness. They have a good intro, Bond gets laid, Bond goes on a mission, you realise the mission makes no sense, he gets laid again, silly evil genius lets Bond escape then silly evil genius gets killed or caught. Then Bond gets laid again. YOU NEVER EVEN SEE NIPPLE! Skyfall (and Casino Royale to be fair) are actually good films (not just “good” Bond Films). What set Skyfall apart form me was that the story was of course OTT but at the same time very internal and personal. Ahh…

The Avengers is an impossible concept for a film. Take the Marvel characters that no one else wanted, give them their own films (each film successful to various levels but each better than the other Marvel franchises, like “The Fantastic Four”), bring them together for one massive f-off fight in one massive f-off film. They did it and they made it awesome! The highlight for me, apart from Scarlett Johanssen in the catsuit, was the Hulk. I couldn’t get to grips with the previous Hulk films but Mark Ruffalo and Joss Wheedon worked together to make him ace! Putting a smile on my face!

The Dark Knight Rises worked wonders for me as I loved Bane as the bad guy. You just don’t see Batman or many other super heroes exchanging blows. Bane for me was a great “ying” to Batmans “yang”. In addition Catwoman is a magnificent character in TDKR played fantastically by Anne Hathaway. TDKR seems to have taken the most stick of the big films for “unrealistic” plot contrivances. I agree there are a few questions, but nothing out of the ordinary. I have to admit,however, that I don’t understand why Bruce Wayne slept with Marion Cotillard. The rest can be explained away in the fact that it’s Batman!

The problem with all of TDKSOTA is that they are all just too long. Skyfall and Avengers are both 2hrs and 23mins with TDKR at 2hrs 45mins. This means that the “rewatchability factor” is just low low low. Yes I really enjoyed them in the cinema – but would I sit down at home and put the Bluray in the machine with the knowledge ill be there two and a half hours later? Nah……

The Imposter – The story of “The Imposter” is just ridiculous. A documentary about Frenchman, Frédéric Bourdin, who impersonated an American boy, Nicholas Barclay who had been missing for 3 years. The missing kid would have been 16, had blond hair and had blue eyes. Bourdin, was in his early 20′s, had a thick French accent, dark hair and brown eyes.

Inspite of these differences he managed to trick the family into believing he was the missing teenager, no questions asked. Say what?!? True story – it’s a documentary after all… But why? How?

Were the family all dumb-asses? Yeah a little.

Did they just want to care for someone now the “Nicholas sized hole” was missing from their lives? Maybe.

Is there something more sinister afoot? Yes indeedy!

Call Me Kuchu – This film made me the angriest I had been all year and is one of the two films that nearly brought me to tears. Telling the story of the LGBT Community in Uganda at a time when a an anti homosexuality bill that would make “aggravated homosexuality” a crime punishable by death is being proposed.

Call Me Kuchu – Kobestarr.com

What on earth is “aggravated homosexuality”?!?

“Call me Kuchu” is a documentary that centres on the recent history of Uganda’s first openly gay man David Kato as he fights the bill, fights American Evangelicals that come to Uganda promoting anti-gay sensibilities and protects members from the LGBT community from being unfairly “outed” by the media.

I was so angry whilst watching in the disbelief that in places such as Uganda a persons Human Rights are so under threat. Why would you want to kill anyone just because they are gay? Why would you want to kill anyone? Why cant we all just get along? Why can’t we all just be excellent to each other?

What unfolds is a real life horror story of human mistreatment and scenes that were genuinely upsetting that at times had well over half the audience in tears. On the ultra positive side we are let into the lives of some true life heroes who serve to stabilise your faith in human nature. I don’t know how “Call Me Kuchu” was made, but the fact that it has been, in the face of extreme adversity means that you should do your best to try and watch it.

Argo – With Argo Ben Affleck seems to have completed his transformation from “kind of a knobhead” to “you know what – he’s actually pretty cool”. Argo is directed by and starring Affleck in the improbable story of the secret mission to rescue American diplomats in the midst of the Iranian Hostage Crisis.

I knew nothing about the history behind the film so was skeptical that the story could be entertaining. I entered the cinema thinking that we would be watching a glorified modern history lesson. It was, but your know what? Some history can be bloody entertaining!

In case you don’t know Americans aren’t well liked in the Middle East and this was the case back then. Six US diplomats had been lucky to escape being captured hostage as the US Embassy in Tehran was sieged. Had they been found by the Iranians, they would almost certainly have been killed.

OK – so how do they propose to get them out? Make pretend that they are a film crew on a location scouting mission. Really! Like someone from the CIA says in the film, “Its the best bad idea we have”. I can’t believe it was based on a true story only recently declassified by the US government! I wonder what other true stories the governments are keeping to themselves?

Moonrise Kingdom – Yeah. I love Wes Anderson. He makes the kind of films that I would love to make, only better than I could…so that’s why he gets paid to do it. In “Moonrise Kingdom” Wes returns with his stalwarts Bill Murray and Jason Schartzmann and a few new skool choices in Harvey Keitel, Tilda Swinton, Frances McDormand, Ed Norton and Bruce Willis.

But these guys are well established actors so of course you have to talk about the newbie actors playing the two young lover teenagers, who ignite the offbeat, romantic whimsical story as they run off together. In doing so setting the “grown-ups” in the film off on a hunt to get them back into the fold in a story that’s silly and smiley and lovely and splendid and “he he he” and warm glowy in your belly.

The teenage crush between an orphaned boy scout and an odd girl is fantastically acted out by the young performers. The contrast between their romance growing and the OTT “adult” characters the makes for a film that will have you smiling all the way through, is consistently funny and a couple of laugh out load moments. People say that this is Wes Andersons best film. Maybe it is, though I don’t think it will turn his detractors around. It is, however, a great film to bring people in to his work.

Ok so that is it for the first part. Part two including the worst film will be released in the next couple of day!

Tinie Tempah

Kobestarr — Thu, 20 Dec 2012 17:39:22 +0000

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Emeli Sande

Kobestarr — Thu, 20 Dec 2012 17:35:50 +0000

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Turbonegro

Kobestarr — Thu, 20 Dec 2012 17:29:24 +0000

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Lewis Floyd Henry

Kobestarr — Thu, 20 Dec 2012 17:17:50 +0000

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Justin Townes Earles and The Chew Lips

Kobestarr — Thu, 20 Dec 2012 17:10:41 +0000

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Charles Bradley and His Extraordinaries

Kobestarr — Thu, 20 Dec 2012 17:04:06 +0000

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