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I’m 30. So what?!: Part One

I turned 30 at the start of this year. The party was ace. Seriously! Some extreme effort was put in by many people! My Dad’s favourite question at every birthday since I turned 21 is “how old do you feel?” that and “When are you going to get married?” The answer to each question each time has been "I don’t feel much different to how I was at 20" and "shutup!".

When I started shortly after the turn of the year I did actually stop and think about the differences in all aspects of my life now and how it was 10 years ago. At 20 I was a student at Sheffield University, living in a squalid house with 9 other blokes, a canoe in the lounge (true story) and an infestation of mice. I loved it! At 30 i'm a "responsible" upstanding citizen with a mortgate and "proper job" and everything and back living in the Manchester womb-land. I still love it! So on the face of it a fair amount has changed. How did i get from there to here? This is the first in a series of I don’t know how many posts that could at any point turn into a “Grumpy Old Men” style rant! Look out!!

More and more youth culture is passing me by and has been replaced by things like documentaries on wine tasting! The first phenomena that appeared out of nowhere like The Titanic splitting iceberg was “The Twilight Saga”. 

I was mildly conscious of the first film coming out but when the second one “New Moon” came out I made the mistake of asking some younger folk that I know what “Team Edward” and “Team Jacob” was all about. I was mocked, spat at, kicked into a puddle and my head stamped on. “You don’t know ‘Twilight’ old man?” they snarled, “you don’t know who Stephanie Meyer is?” they chanted, dancing round me in a ring. I have rarely felt more inadequate! I have since found out and my verdict is….it's better than rubbing your face on a cheese grater. But then so many things are… I'm sure !High School Musical! is far worse!

We’re getting closer and closer to the date that I’m going to buy my hoverboard as promised in Back to the Future II. I’ll be getting one with built in power so that I can go across water on it. We were also promised self drying jackets and flying cars. The date in the film was October 21 2015. Working backwards I would think that the hoverboards would have been available a year before then so some point in 2014. Expect to see prototypes appearing at some point in the next three years. I’m sooo excited. George Lucas better not have been lying to my face! I know peoplw who know people Lucas. And they also know people!

I’m currently single and whilst I’m fine with it the rest of society deems it unacceptable. The amount of people that have tried to set me up with their friends has increased at an alarming rate. About a month ago my Dad asked me if I wanted his help finding a wife!! What surprises me is not just the increase in frequency of the setup but that different methods are being employed. At best the attempts are blatant, of the “you know what? My friend is single, you’d really get on with her!” type to several instances of sneaky and on one occasion threatening set ups!

Sneaky is when “oh you must come to such and such a place, it’s got such a great vibe and don’t be late!” When I arrive at said place Miss X is palmed off onto me at the earliest opportunity and my friend will vanish Keyser Sose style. I’m always impressed by the disappearance, my top three theories are 1) they have BASE jumped away to obscurity, 2) they have jumped into a Formula 1 car and sped off to Monaco 3) they have perfected the Predator invisible cloaking device. Either way I wont hear from them until a text the next morning, “so how did it go last nite with Miss X? x” the bastards

Threatening is when I have been harassed into calling/ texting/facebook stalking Miss Y. “Have you seen her picture? What did you think? What do you think? WHAT DID YOU THINK?!!! ARRGGHH!!” Once this happend whilst the "setter upper" was brandishing an iron with the vertical steam setting on and the heat setting all the way up to linen. I was bricking it!

That said….don’t let that put you off. If you do have a hot female friend feel free to send them my way…just don’t be offended if I say no. I seem to be getting more and more picky. For no good reason. i guess that comes with the age!