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Letter to Kermode and Mayo #6 Battleship

As I was walking to my seat to watch “Battleship” i was cursing myself for having the stupidity for buying a ticket. It cost me 110 NOK, a pubes-width less than £12 at todays exchange, to watch a film that is based on a board game. Not a good boardgame either. As a poor boy growing up we used to play it on graph paper that we nicked from school, so the legend goes!

Battleship - Crap Game
Battleship - Crap Game

As I sat down to the film the thought “Don’t hate the player, hate the game” came to my head. How apt i thought. The problem was however, I was less than indifferent to the game! I then thought that this statement could be applied to the ridiculous movie making industry that could crowbar a story out of a ridiculous boardgame. I should hate them, not the final product or the actors involved or myself for paying £12 for to watch it.

These thoughts made me feel a whole lot happier plus curiosity simply got the better of me. The following questions needed answering

1) How can then force a story out of a game like this?

2) What kind of role would Rihanna play, would she be any good and would you see her nipple?

3) Liam Neeson was Oscar nominated for his role as a sympathetic Nazi and has played the “A-Team’s” Hannibal Smith – should he be hanging his head in shame?

4) Everyone loves a good car crash don’t they? This could be a cinematic rubberneckers nirvana

5) Will Mark Kermode rant about this film??

The answers to all these and more will be answered in my 6th “Letter to Kermode and Mayo”! Hold tight people!


Hello Sigfried and Roy,

I am a medium term listener and a 6th time writer-inner from Manchester but living in Bergen, Norway at the moment. I went to see Battleship at the weekend and at each stage of the of process I hung my head in shame. I bought the ticket online so that I didn’t have to speak to anyone to tell them what I wanted. I’m sure that the machine laughed at me as it coughed up the ticket! Battleship is exactly the kind of film that I didn’t want to see. A story crowbarred from on a plotless boardgame, a pop stars’s first feature, stealing its ideas from Transformers has to make for a terrible film and an interstellar Kermodian Rant! Hasn’t it?!

The reason that I bought the ticket was that curiosity got the better of me… and you know what? I liked it…much against my own rational I hasten to add. I really don’t know why. Maybe it just wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be, the old law of diminished expectations!!

Lets list the Faults!

1) The story makes no sense. The aliens half the time seem like good guys. They were attacked first and half the time they didn’t kill people. I didn’t know who we were supposed to be championing most of the time!

2) The main guy is an idiot with no redeeming features.

3) American films should never feature what they call “soccer”.

4) Rihanna wasnt bad but I had no idea what here character was about.

5) If they had to shoot the aliens why didn’t they use the missiles that they used at the end.

6) Liam Neeson has gone from “Schindler”  to “Taken” to “The A-Team” to “Battleship” to “Taken 2” … his futures not bright.


Rihanna Plays with Big Guns! Its a small Imagination Leap Guys!!
Rihanna Plays with Big Guns! Its a small Imagination Leap Guys!!

So why did I like it?

1) There were some parts there were genuinely funny, such as with the chicken burrito and the scientist guy made me laugh,

2) Even though her character is troubled Rihanna didn’t play a typical attractive female role and I think there is hope for her in the future,

3) They DID actually play Battleship in the film,

4) It didn’t drag on too long, (That is a bonus in this day and age)

5) The whole final third with the veteran marines coming on in slow motion like a geriatric “Reservoir Dogs”  is actually so ridiculous you have to see it.

I’ll probably never watch it again but I wont be asking the cinema for two hours of my life back either!

Come on Mark – do your worst!


PS – You dont see Rihanna’s nipple – but im told she has a piercing…..