Letter to Kermode and Mayo #3: Ninjas vs Aliens (Stop Michael Bay)
I have been following a thread in IMDB talking about the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles “Reboot”. As a 32 year old man I shouldn’t care but TMNT was my childhood! I still know the words to the theme tune and the words to ” Turtle Power” (the Hip Hop Song in the first Film by “Partners in Kryme”).
Unfortunately Michael “Sodding” Bay is directing it….sigh. Now i’m not the worlds biggest Michael Bay hater. He did “Bad Boys” and “The Rock” for example! He’ll never be high brow but if he wants he can make an entertaining flick!
The thing about him is that he just doesn’t give a fuck. I loved Transformers as a kid and was excited to see it made into a live action film with todays CGI technology. I let the first film slide as it looked pretty cool when the Transformers ..er transformed…. It was unforgivable that Bumblebee wasn’t a VW Beetle but then Megan Fox is hot so ok that balances out. What didn’t balance out is that the story, for a kids film or otherwise, made no sense and when fighting happened you actually could not tell who was hitting who.
So Transformers 2, still with Bay and still with Megan “The” Fox. So good start but then ohhh lordy what is happening in this film? What is going on? Why is anyone doing what they are doing? Oh there’s John Tuturro cool… Oh i see Megan is bending over again. Who is hitting who now? How long is this action bit dragging out for? How long is this film? TWO AND A HALF HOURS?!?
I didn’t see the third one not just because Megan wasn’t in it!
Now he’s turning his hands to Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Except no he isn’t. From what i read yesterday ah is changing the whole story so that they will be aliens. Teenage Alien Ninja Turtles. What a twat! Why change it? What is the point you massive massive git! I’ll tell you why! Because like i said earlier – he just doesn’t give a fuck…
1) Change the names to Lenny, Mikey, Rafe and Danny
2) Shredder owns a cup cake bakery, which he works at part time. The rest of the time he carries out his dastardly deeds then apologises with freshly baked butterfly cakes with vanilla buttercream
3) They will eat only sushi – “Mikey” develops an addiction to injecting soy sauce and sniffing wasabi
4) April O’Neil is the President of the USA and has blond hair
5) Casey Jones’ favourite weapons are knitting needles and he wears a “Scream” mask
6) Splinter is a guinea pig, regular sized. The turtles have no respect for him.
7) Everything will be 3D and CGI, will have non sensicle, infeasible and non-credible storyline and will last 4hrs and 8mins. It will basically be one bum numbing, spirit crushing, plot contrivance designed to print money.
8) Michael Bay’s head plays “Krang” inside the body of the robot
9) They will live in a swanky penthouse apartment. Everyone knows where they live – they have huge parties and wake up hungover everyday
10) Announce that he will do a Teenage Alien Ninja Turtles 2
Can anyone else think of anything that he can do to arse this up for everyone else?
This has to be stopped. So I am asking for help from a higher power, which brings me to the next letter that I have sent to Kermode and Mayo!
Dear Funkyboogaloo and Smythe
I am a medium term listener (6months but listened to all of last years podcasts) and 3rd time writer-inner.
I have been following the news since late last year that there will be a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles “Reboot” helmed by Michael “Sodding” Bay. I am not as big a hater of his – as ” Team Wittertainment” are, I liked “Bad Boys” and “The Rock” but admit that Transformers 2 was an epic fail …. that is until yesterday.
It was announced yesterday that Michael “Sodding” Bay will be changing the origins of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles story so that they are aliens from another planet.
Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why is he doing this? The man cares for nothing!!! Does he answer to anyone? Who lets him do things? Is he hell bent on systematically destroying my childhood?
He has to be stopped!
Can we start a “Wittertainment Petition” with the title simply being “STOP MICHAEL BAY” citing his plans to make the Turtles aliens (Teenage Alien Ninja Turtles) and Transformers 4.
Help us Obi wan Kermodey, you are our only hope!
From Bergen, Norway via Manchester, UK
Oh ok here is the Rap!