Dear Google…

Dear Google,

I have been happily using YouTube under the nickname/web-handle/pseudonym “Kobestarr” since I joined the streaming service in 2005.

I chose not to use my real name for many reasons including wanting a modicum of anonymity and feeling that “Kobestarr” was a pithier, catchier and more distinctive way to represent myself online on YouTube and across other web services. I did not ever think that anyone would ever call this into question.

I was’t phased when Google bought YouTube. It was a sly admission of failure of the Google Videos service and testament to the “if you can’t beat em, buy em” adage that is prevalent in large companies and particularly relevant to tech companies such as yourselves. “Fine” I thought “at least there will be fewer usernames and passwords to remember”. Google’s great step towards web ubiquity was actually seen as a positive for me.

It started to go slightly downhill when you made me get a gmail account. However this was not a major problem, I would use the enforced gmail account as a spam siphon. You were actually really helping me out, in truth most of the spam comes from yourselves.

It started to further awry when I logged into YouTube at some point a couple of years ago when you defaulted to my spam-filtering email instead of my regular one. This meant that I had to log out and log back in again to access my playlists and videos. This is annoying but fine as you took the hint and let things go back to the way they were.

The current situation crept up like a creeping freezing fog. Im not sure when it started to get cold and foggy but it has arrived and in a petulant persistent childlike form and goes something like this when I log into YouTube:

YouTube: Do you want to log in with your real name?

Kobestarr: No thank you.

Stop it, stop it, stop it!

YT: Do you want to log in with your real name?

K*: No thank you.

YT: Do you want to log in with your real name?

K*: No thank you.

YT: Do you want to log in with your real name?

K*: No, thank you.

YT: Do you want to log in with your real name?

K*: No! Thank you.

YT: Do you want to log in with your real name?

K*: No. Please stop asking.

YT: Do you want to log in with your real name?

K*: No. Please stop asking.

YT: Do you want to log in with your real name?

K*: No. Please stop asking.

YT: Do you want to log in with your real name?

K*: No. FFS – Please stop asking.

YT: Do you want to log in with your real name?

K*: No. FFS – Please stop asking.

YT: Do you want to log in with your real name?

K*: McFly?!? Is there anyone there? I’ll say again. No.

YT: Do you want to log in with your real name?

K*: What do you think? No.

YT: Do you want to log in with your real name?

K*: N.O. spells NO!

YT: Do you want to log in with your real name?

K*: What part of “no” don’t you understand?

YT: Do you want to log in with your real name?

K*: Oh – maybe you don’t understand “no” in English? What about Spanish? “No” *in Spanish Accent*

We’ll ask you again?? NO PLEASE DON’T!

YT: Do you want to log in with your real name?

K*: What about Chinese? “無”

YT: Do you want to log in with your real name?

K*: Not Spanish or Chinese huh? What about…. Japanese? “いいえ”!

YT: Do you want to log in with your real name?

K*: Oh really? Lets get a bit more obscure, Norwegian? “Nei”.

YT: Do you want to log in with your real name?

K*: Ok – im gonna hit you with an array of “no’s” with the key:value pair of language and no [Javanese: “Ora”, Swahili: “Hakuna”, Igbo:”mba”, Portuguese: ”não”, Basque: “no”, Russian: ”нет”, Maori: “Kahore”, Irish: “aon”, Yiddish: “קיין”, ]

YT: Do you want to log in with your real name?

K*: COME ON!!! YOU KNOW I DONT! WHY WOULD I WANT TO? YOU STUPID POO-POO HEAD!

YT: Do you want to log in with your real name?

K*: ARRRRRRRRRRRGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! PLEASE ASKING THAT!!! HOW MANY WAYS DO I HAVE TO SAY “NO”? HOW MANY TIMES?!?!?! HUH? HUH?

I regrettably inform you that the preceding passages gives a true and accurate account of what happened to date. Please can you stop asking me. Is this classed as harassment? Is this admissible in a court of law? I won’t sue as long as you just stop asking me.

Many thanks for taking the time to read this letter. I look forward to your speedy reply

Best Regards,

Kobestarr

K*

PS Please don’t take me off the internet.